The Story Can Now Be Told
November 22, 2003
The court enforced gag order has been lifted, my 2,500 hours of community service and $5,000 fine has been served and paid. My urban assault vehicle is out of the impound lot and the decoy car has been fully repaired. The prodigal son is home now after serving 67 days of a 90 day sentence, and although the electronic monitoring devices chafes his ankle I know he is glad to be home, even if he has yet to express that sentiment to me.
I know what you’re thinking another Patty trip gone on an out of control bobsled to hell. Nope no riding those slippery rails this time; it was just a little excursion to the local department store for the latest CD, On Your Way Home. For some reason the local law enforcement community, court system, and the local retail community just do not understand the gravity of the situation when a new Patty CD is unleashed upon the world, or at least here in the U S. Obviously if they were TRUE PATTY FANS they would be a bit less judgmental on how I raise my kids!
Months of preparation went into my fool proof plan, or as stick in the mud Mr. Sulu said, “Only a fool would plan.” Since my urban assault vehicle has become a permanent fixture on the police BOLO list (Be On The Lookout) I decided to visit the local Ford dealership and shall we say take a test drive in one of their vehicles. After a much heated discussion with my 13 year old son we settled on the red convertible Mustang GT SVT with the ground effects package, because as he claims it’s a chick magnet. What I want to know is where my precious little baby picked up the term chick magnet. Handing over a duplicate of Jess’s license for them to hold in case we stole the sucker I suppose, we were off on our quest of the new Patty CD.
Sitting in the parking lot my sweet precious son and I went over the last minute details making sure there was nothing overlooked. “So, what is your price for helping me out on this?” I ask while packing the pepper spray and stun gun in the side pockets of his pants. “Wow, look at those hooters!” came a voice that sounded a bit huskier than I have heard. Looking around the outer perimeter of the car for who spoke I saw no one and turned my gaze on my precious who was sitting in the passenger seat. “What was that?” I ask. “How about the Dead or Alive Extreme Volleyball,” he replied, looking back at me with those big blue eyes and a beaming smile across that adorable face. “It’s a deal, you just get the CD and we will pick up your game when we switch back to our regular vehicle.”
Tucking the final strands of hair under my red wig, I put the finishing touches on with a pair of large framed sunglasses. I then popped in a piece of chewing gum, used half a bottle of perfume and checked my final appearance in the rearview before exiting the car. Entering the store we strolled past two security guards who were closely eyeing everyone who entered. Passing thru security unnoticed phase one of the plan was complete, now it was time for phase two, get the CD. Looking over at my son I gave the nod and we went running down the main aisle past women’s under apparel towards children’s clothing. Preparing to make a left past the kids department I noticed my precious son was no longer by my side. I knew he did not pass me so the only explanation was he fell behind, and fell behind he did for he was standing at the women’s underwear staring. “Will you come here!!” I shrieked, causing him to jolt out of his trance. Running towards me once more he was reaching in his pants pulling out pepper spray and the stun gun when a look of horror crossed his face. “Watch out Mom, behind you!” he warned tossing me the pepper spray. Turning around for a glance there was the commie pinko security guard heading my way. Screaming at the top of my lungs as I ran straight at him, he planted himself directly in front of me. At the last moment I dropped down to the floor sliding under him discharging a few quick shots of pepper spray, unfortunately it was discharged in the wrong direction. The burning in my eyes caused my screams to reach new volumes and people to clear a path as I flailed from side to side holding my hands up to my face. A hand grabbed the back of my shirt and pulled me along as I continued screaming. “Quit being such a baby,” came the soft husky voice, “suck it up and move your ass woman, I have a video game with girls in bikini’s and big hooters waiting for me.” Thru blurry vision from tears and the spray I could make out the face of my sweet innocent son his eyes wild as he pulled me along to the record aisle. His hand darting out here and there followed by screams as we moved closer to our destination, he was zapping those who got in his way with the stun gun. “Find the CD and I will hold them off,” he yelled. Fumbling blindly thru bins I realized that I could not see clearly enough yet to find the CD. “I can’t see well enough yet, I can’t find it,” I wailed in between screams and zapping sounds. No sooner had I said that my darling son yelled that he had it, jammed it between his teeth and grabbed my arm once more dragging me thru the store.
To make a long story short we made it back to the dealership with minimal damage to the Mustang, and they held my urban assault vehicle until the damage was paid in full. In hindsight I guess giving them Jess’s license as a decoy identification was useless, apparently the police saw right thru that one as we returned home they were in our driveway waiting. I suppose making sure my son was the one caught with the stun gun in his possession was a bit sneaky, but I could not do the 90 days, I had a new Patty CD to listen to. Well that soft husky voice is calling, seems he wants me to see his newest tattoo, hopefully this one says MOM and not HOORAY FOR HOOTERS.
November 22, 2003
The court enforced gag order has been lifted, my 2,500 hours of community service and $5,000 fine has been served and paid. My urban assault vehicle is out of the impound lot and the decoy car has been fully repaired. The prodigal son is home now after serving 67 days of a 90 day sentence, and although the electronic monitoring devices chafes his ankle I know he is glad to be home, even if he has yet to express that sentiment to me.
I know what you’re thinking another Patty trip gone on an out of control bobsled to hell. Nope no riding those slippery rails this time; it was just a little excursion to the local department store for the latest CD, On Your Way Home. For some reason the local law enforcement community, court system, and the local retail community just do not understand the gravity of the situation when a new Patty CD is unleashed upon the world, or at least here in the U S. Obviously if they were TRUE PATTY FANS they would be a bit less judgmental on how I raise my kids!
Months of preparation went into my fool proof plan, or as stick in the mud Mr. Sulu said, “Only a fool would plan.” Since my urban assault vehicle has become a permanent fixture on the police BOLO list (Be On The Lookout) I decided to visit the local Ford dealership and shall we say take a test drive in one of their vehicles. After a much heated discussion with my 13 year old son we settled on the red convertible Mustang GT SVT with the ground effects package, because as he claims it’s a chick magnet. What I want to know is where my precious little baby picked up the term chick magnet. Handing over a duplicate of Jess’s license for them to hold in case we stole the sucker I suppose, we were off on our quest of the new Patty CD.
Sitting in the parking lot my sweet precious son and I went over the last minute details making sure there was nothing overlooked. “So, what is your price for helping me out on this?” I ask while packing the pepper spray and stun gun in the side pockets of his pants. “Wow, look at those hooters!” came a voice that sounded a bit huskier than I have heard. Looking around the outer perimeter of the car for who spoke I saw no one and turned my gaze on my precious who was sitting in the passenger seat. “What was that?” I ask. “How about the Dead or Alive Extreme Volleyball,” he replied, looking back at me with those big blue eyes and a beaming smile across that adorable face. “It’s a deal, you just get the CD and we will pick up your game when we switch back to our regular vehicle.”
Tucking the final strands of hair under my red wig, I put the finishing touches on with a pair of large framed sunglasses. I then popped in a piece of chewing gum, used half a bottle of perfume and checked my final appearance in the rearview before exiting the car. Entering the store we strolled past two security guards who were closely eyeing everyone who entered. Passing thru security unnoticed phase one of the plan was complete, now it was time for phase two, get the CD. Looking over at my son I gave the nod and we went running down the main aisle past women’s under apparel towards children’s clothing. Preparing to make a left past the kids department I noticed my precious son was no longer by my side. I knew he did not pass me so the only explanation was he fell behind, and fell behind he did for he was standing at the women’s underwear staring. “Will you come here!!” I shrieked, causing him to jolt out of his trance. Running towards me once more he was reaching in his pants pulling out pepper spray and the stun gun when a look of horror crossed his face. “Watch out Mom, behind you!” he warned tossing me the pepper spray. Turning around for a glance there was the commie pinko security guard heading my way. Screaming at the top of my lungs as I ran straight at him, he planted himself directly in front of me. At the last moment I dropped down to the floor sliding under him discharging a few quick shots of pepper spray, unfortunately it was discharged in the wrong direction. The burning in my eyes caused my screams to reach new volumes and people to clear a path as I flailed from side to side holding my hands up to my face. A hand grabbed the back of my shirt and pulled me along as I continued screaming. “Quit being such a baby,” came the soft husky voice, “suck it up and move your ass woman, I have a video game with girls in bikini’s and big hooters waiting for me.” Thru blurry vision from tears and the spray I could make out the face of my sweet innocent son his eyes wild as he pulled me along to the record aisle. His hand darting out here and there followed by screams as we moved closer to our destination, he was zapping those who got in his way with the stun gun. “Find the CD and I will hold them off,” he yelled. Fumbling blindly thru bins I realized that I could not see clearly enough yet to find the CD. “I can’t see well enough yet, I can’t find it,” I wailed in between screams and zapping sounds. No sooner had I said that my darling son yelled that he had it, jammed it between his teeth and grabbed my arm once more dragging me thru the store.
To make a long story short we made it back to the dealership with minimal damage to the Mustang, and they held my urban assault vehicle until the damage was paid in full. In hindsight I guess giving them Jess’s license as a decoy identification was useless, apparently the police saw right thru that one as we returned home they were in our driveway waiting. I suppose making sure my son was the one caught with the stun gun in his possession was a bit sneaky, but I could not do the 90 days, I had a new Patty CD to listen to. Well that soft husky voice is calling, seems he wants me to see his newest tattoo, hopefully this one says MOM and not HOORAY FOR HOOTERS.
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